Reflections From Life & Beth (& Mike)

I LOVE a good film or TV show, that gets me thinking or seeing things in a different light. That opens my heart, expands my mind or imagination in unexpected ways. To me, this is the best in entertainment and art. And this is how I love to coach and support artists and creatives, to write and create and perform with total authenticity… making an undeniable impact on their audiences. 

I’ve been teaching voice lessons for over 35 years. Many of my students have become dear friends, and many have taken my Awakened Artist courses &/or have done private coaching to become more proficient at creating the kind of lives they truly care about. One of those friends sent me an email last week that blew me away.

Mike is a big strong man, mid-40’s, who has done construction work his entire life. His specialty is operating large machinery. Most people assume dudes like Mike to be one dimensional, un-emotional tough guys. But that’s an unfortunate stereotype. Mike is a deep thinker, with a gentle heart bigger than the ocean. He is also a fantastic singer and songwriter. With an equally awesome wife and 2 young kids together.

So, he emailed me that he had recently binge watched Amy Schumer’s new comedy series, Life & Beth, on HULU…and it got him reflecting on his life, both as a son and a parent. He sent me the following email, which I share with his full permission. 

“As I spend my days pondering the parenting of a daughter and son, I think about obstacles they will face in their lives. My parents were not easy people and while they set a good example in work ethic and the value of money, they left much to be desired in the areas of self-love, self-worth, and confidence. Today I was thinking about my daughter’s future and the way women’s struggles and life challenges are reported on and chronicled in media these days. I think the plight of the female human being is more on display today than it has ever been in the past.

All this thinking has made me ponder my own mother. I honestly don’t have much memory of a childhood bathed in love or happiness. They were replaced with concern for finances and the pursuit of perfectionism. I think now that my parents had knowledge of their own shortcomings and tried to prevent us from developing the same ones, not noticing that each of their children had unique needs.

For many years I have harbored so much anger at my parents and it truly has polluted my soul. Today I realized that my mother was once a little girl, making her way through the world in a family, in a home, with a whole unique and personal set of difficulties. My mom had to go to her prom, deal with bullies, deal with her parents’ divorce, and parental alcoholism. I never stopped to think about all the things that my mother had to overcome that made her into the full-sized person that raised me. I never considered the fact that all these years I have worked to overcome my own mental issues, and I still have not gained control of them all. I am 44. My mother had me when she was 26. I never considered how long it has taken me to become the person I am and all the work I have done to get here. I have achieved a lot, but thankfully I had serious help in a spouse that supported me. My mother had a husband who worked all the time and no real family support system to help her. She was raising 3 boys almost entirely on her own. When could she have taken time to focus on herself? She even completed a college degree in that time. It is amazing that she did the job as well as she has.

I guess what I am finally beginning to feel is forgiveness. I honestly don’t have any clear cut things to forgive but I want to set myself free of the anger. I don’t want to blame anyone for the way my life is. I don’t want my mother to shoulder the load for my own insecurities. It takes strength to take responsibility for my own self and I will work toward controlling my own fate and mind. My mother has her own struggles to deal with and has carried too large a load for too long. If anything, I wish I could be the guy who helps her on her own path of self-discovery. Like the one who shines the flashlight down the path, but I’m not sure she is on the path at all yet. It is more comfortable to sit in the place you have always been and not venture out into the darkness. If only I could show my mother, and everyone in the world, that the darkness isn’t so bad. I have lived here most of my life and the unknown is only unknown because you haven’t seen it yet. Sitting still, and not changing, seems so much scarier to me than the possibility of the unexplored.

I suppose I should thank both my parents because the pieces of my ego that were not fed during my childhood, have screamed so loud in adulthood that I can’t stop my search for self-improvement. I have often said that I do my best work out of spite, and for the last few years it has felt insincere to say that. The truth is I love the tests. I love to accomplish what  I am told can’t be or shouldn’t be done. It fuels me and I love it.

My mother had a hard life as a young lady and it shaped her into the mother she would become. That path has led me to the man I am. I’m not sure what there is in that last sentence to be angry about….” – Mike S., Atco, NJ

Having coached Mike over the last handful of years, I’m profoundly moved by what he shared with me. It’s a topic we have discussed often and so I get how huge this is for him. And the implications it will have for his life and his family, going forward. Watching Life & Beth awakened a whole new level of empathy and compassion in Mike, and made space for forgiveness. Something I’m not sure he believed was truly possible for him. 

So, I also just binge watched Life & Beth, created by and starring Amy Schumer. And I was also very surprised how much I loved it. Amy is brilliant at making us lighten up about the most poignant aspects of our lives. Bringing a lightness to our heaviness. There were so many unexpected tender moments, especially with her character’s younger self. Watching her current self reflect back on her wounded younger self…who had normalized the sadness and sense of defeat she felt…is a subtle invitation for us viewers to do the same.

If you have HULU, I recommend this one. But be ready! As with Mike, it may stir up some old stuff to reflect on. And I would say, that’s a very good thing.